Recurring neurosis with a dream that probably has the key.

Hello, my friends. I decided to overcome my pride and write here about my problem, and maybe I can find some useful objective answer or more over a solution that will end my anxieties once and for all.

Short introduction: I have been analyzing my dreams through my work with Carl Jung for the past 3 years and they have led me to radical positive personal transformations, overcoming my fears, understanding my nature, and acknowledging both my talents and flaws. I had a serious mother complex, in fact, I was raised by two mothers, and I have an absent father whom I met recently 1 year ago for the first time in 13 years. The encounter itself wasn't pleasant.

Now I moved to Germany, I've been here for 4 months already, and for the first time I have the feeling of independence and that everything that I do and decide to do, is my responsibility only. Which of course despite all of the challenges that I have overcome come along with a fear that I'll fail.

I have organized and disciplined myself, and even so, my neurosis reappears for one day and it destroys everything, and again I must start. I have stopped condemning myself, and have come to acknowledge that despite everything I'll continue to pursue my destiny and duties. That's why I want to share with you my so-called neurotic pattern and ask for help, so I can stop thinking that I know everything.

My neurotic pattern is that I engage in porn after I have stopped doing so for a couple of months of abstinence and struggle, and this recurs every couple of months - 2/3 months of struggle against the bad habit, and one day of watching porn excessively for the whole night triggered by the usage of marijuana. After the deed itself is done, I engage in a fanatical wish to organize my life and to fix it, I start to believe that I need one month to regain my mental clarity and to be myself again.

My destiny is profoundly connected with my dreams, and I believe that I must do something with them, My last dream has warned me that the neurotic pattern will reappear again, but this time it will free me once and for all without feeling of doubt, depression etc. Since I'm all alone here and everything depends on me. Here is the dream, and please if you see something that I don't I'll be grateful.

One last thing; When I engage in porn activities I do so also with homosexual porn, even though I'm not homosexual, but my dreams showed me that I'm punishing myself and humiliating myself for some reason.

Dream: I have dreamed the following picture which I'll upload here (I'm not a painter so, I apologize for the low quality).

I was drawing a fish on the paper which also looked like a geometrical figure I was wandering how should I color it, so I filled it with yellow and white in the center, on the background I wanted to fill it with strong red, but I woke up with the following finished image. Which I'll upload.

I went to bed again, and I saw my best childhood friend who ended our friendship 2 years ago, passing through me and ignoring me, all dressed in black ( his style) he was accompanied by another women friend of ours. Who also didn't want to talk with me.

I said: "You don't talk to me as well?"

Then I found myself in one room with a guy from my childhood which was a guy who was humiliating me and using me back then when I still had conformist feelings. I gave him weed and he smoked cigarette after cigarette, We split the weed and I asked him for 8 euros, and if he had no coins he could give me 7. The weed I found out was damaged it was in a plastic bag filled with water. I had to find another one and I went to the gym to search for a healthy one.

The last dream image was a triangle.

P.S: 1. When I was a kid I was voluntary a participant in this guys group even though I was humiliated every day, for a period of 2 years.

Thank you very much for your help, please no comments that say porn is healthy and shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's not healthy I'm an example of it.

2. Through my dreams I found out my psychological type which is Dominant In Feeling, Intuition, Sensation, and inferior Ex Thinking. The colors of the fish I guess can give a clue. Correct me if I'm wrong.

3. My behavior usually occurs when I'm in doubt about my destiny and purpose which is involved with writing, art, and philosophy. When I feel such deep insight I must share it with the world, but I choose not to.


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Given your rich personal context and active dreamwork, this dream appears as a symbolic tableau of your struggles and opportunities. The fish, a universal symbol of transformation, colored in yellow and white, suggests your journey towards illumination and purity. The red background you intended but didn't complete may symbolize the emotional energy needed to achieve this. The childhood figures reappearing indicate unresolved issues; however, in asking for payment for the damaged weed, you're asserting your worth and boundaries. The triangle symbolizes balance between mind, body, and spirit, which could be your ultimate aim.

The dream presents your challenges but also your keys to overcoming them: continued transformation, assertion, and balance. It suggests that confronting and resolving past wounds, especially related to humiliation, is crucial. Your venture into new territories, both geographically and emotionally, affords you a rare opportunity for a complete transformation. The struggle with neurotic patterns could be your soul's way of pushing you to face these deep-seated issues once and for all. In doing so, you are not only breaking free from self-imposed chains but also moving towards a balanced and enlightened state of being.