Feeling of choking

[MistressLex]

their is someone in front of me but the face changes, all familiar and strange at the same time, all painful memories start rushing by like pictures, but my body hurts after, like my skin burns like there's a sunburn under it, suddenly I'm choking and my throat is tightening.
I can't breath, in panic I try to laugh but I gasp slightly, I fall down landingnon my knees falling forward clawing at the gravel and grass... and black out in the dream in tears.

 

[PaulKH]

Hi again, MistressLex. I submit the uncanny likeness to a real life sequence that sometimes happens to people of great vision, to those who *see* and love the awesome potential in humanity (the wash of faces both real and not), who dedicate their live energies to helping fulfill this potential--only (and often) to have it backfire on them, to have their best efforts result in some of the more vicious humans turning on them and denying the very insights that would elevate them in the long run. Very often the rejected visionaries choke on their own tears (or blood), and what-could-be becomes what-never-will (at least not in their lifetimes). This is a very soul-deep pain that can manifest in/on their actual body.

So, perhaps you are or are supposed to be one of those messengers, or like me, have seen/empathize enough that you dream of them and get to more deeply know their calling and their failing. It's a bitter subject, and one that has caused no end of frustration among some (and often with bad results as they let their frustration get the better of them). It is an epic, behind-the-scenes struggle of humanity: do we evolve into who we were meant to be (the most successful aspect of our potential), or do we waste away for continued generations? If you felt an abiding angst and the overwhelming mass and momentum in wrong directions, I would be more certain this is at least one accurate explanation (at least of a vicarious experience-summary of another). Anything more you can draw out of your experience?

(I have also "blacked out" inside my dreams before, sometimes with a good kind of overwhelming and sometimes with a bad one--both kinds often linger for as long as I can remember the subject that caused the feeling that makes me effectively pass out from within the dream. It's a fascinating if unpleasant experience.)

 

[MistressLex]

I'm sure it's based on my reality. I am struggling with separating my needs both emotional and mental from the people around me.
The last thing I want is to wreck the peace of those around me with my own special blend of panic and mental check list, to not spiral into negative patterns that destory rather then create or stabilize.
But that is the challenge when so few in your life don't realize how much emotion they put on you, and I feel a lot of guilt because I recently panic broke down on someone that I hadn't realized I was using as a tool to self sooth through panic thought, by using there presence as a distraction...I regret it very but damage is done and now that I know I have been desperately trying to apply the methods the counselor gave me... and try to recognize and handle them when they crop up.
I'm sure this dream relates to all that and more....so yeah. What your said resonates.

 

[PaulKH]

Know that you are cherished for your awareness and your struggles to contain your angst (for the right reason--heart in the right place--so they might not cause harm to others).

As your dream makes you feel, your path is not easy (nor will it ever be, though it becomes quite familiar/recognizable). Yet understand it's the awareness that makes it possible. I don't need to know anything else about you to respect-honor this. Your fight is one most definitely worth winning, and a personal triumph--a unique victory-of-spirit--awaits you. I'd love to share what has worked so well for me over the decades, but alas that's too personal, too complicated/nuanced for this format, and too risky. What I will say from experience is this: viable and valuable solutions exist--the right(eous) potential--insights and practices that will realign you with your self and surroundings such that they compliment your experience rather than conflict with it...reinforcing evidence that your internal value and awareness-acceptance and rightness are all needing to be in alignment/sync (analogous to a puzzle-box). Know the truth that a combination of insight and willpower can achieve it, even if it's only a delicate balance that turns careful nurturing into growth.

Then, you can feel like you are choking no longer.

 

[MistressLex]

I don't disagree, it's just those moments of being trapped in my own head and walled in by all the very things that altered my perception of self and keep me in the self they identified with. I find it difficult to be mean or cold... its only lately that I've had no choice but to be because I can't handle the mental emotional load while I deal with managing my own life and my father's poor health.
Over whelmed while dealing is an understatement *smirk*
But I do value your attempt to connect and respond and it does feel nice to have someone who sees the similarities.

 

[PaulKH]

*warm smile* Then I wish for you the strength to bear any burdens you cannot limit/distance yourself from, without those distracting you from your own internal growth. Often, they can be done in tandem and that is certainly a key (intertwining results with the same effort). Sometimes (if the will exists), knowing this is possible is all the nudge you need.

Another related insight I can safely share: one can be firm/determined--even forceful, depending on the situation--without losing their kindness. These are not contradictory or exclusive states. Taken fully to heart, it can be a liberating insight and a skill worth practicing to see how it can work for you. Force-of-will need not look ugly, and if everyone understood this, then the world would look much more beautiful without any loss of "backbone". (Of course if you are a mother who has ever had to balance the twin goals of nurturing and shaping/correcting, then I certainly don't have to tell you this, heh--at its heart, it's a maternalistic insight.)

 

[MistressLex]

Once upon a time, I knew that. Over time and many people chipping away at my boundaries. I feel like I've lost that. Hopefully we can talk more often. I'm enjoying the soft positivity . And wish for more in my spiritual and mental recovery *chuckles*

 

[Helia]

I like what Paul said...and I am sorry for four struggle and your sorrows ..a warm hug from here...the AMAZING GRACE is always there...🎏

 

[Helia]

You know that I love Bonhoeffer:

Lord, I expected peace, but instead the battle rages. Help me to change my expectation of what ought to be so that I can face reality without bitterness or fear, but with the hope that You will see me through. Amen.

 

[MistressLex]

You know that I love Bonhoeffer:

Lord, I expected peace, but instead the battle rages. Help me to change my expectation of what ought to be so that I can face reality without bitterness or fear, but with the hope that You will see me through. Amen.

You guys are just the best. Thank you 🫂🫂