I broke the law in a lucid dream and I feel... Ambiguous

[vainillasoup34]

Today I realized I was dreaming, and it involucred (before lucidity) that my teenages crush was sad because in the dream I had changed sex, so she ran to cry to the surgerian, etc.
But the moment I became lucid, I did something weird: I changed the room to a grey one, she was claustred inside a latex vacuum bag (like the scene in The girl in the spider web), que that I asphyxiated her like in the movie. I made a kind of blackmail of forcing her to stop believing in God, she said that no and I asphyxiated her minute yes and minute not. It repeated during many minutes until a point I closed the airway and she died asphyxiated.
I loved that moment of torturing and killing someone and breaking the law in a lucid dream (I usually have the inner joke that in my dreams I'm going to break all the penal code of my country).
However, now I think it, it was weird: I didn't kill in the dream someone I hate or infuriates me, but a person that was my crush during my teenages years, she was one of my better friends, we were in the same scout group having good moments. And I didn't kill her in the dream like from a shot, but a torture that lasted several minutes. And also I forced her to stop believing in God (I'm currently an atheist), but in my childhood and teens I was very religious.
I don't "regret" but feels weird.

 

[vainillasoup34]

If you ask what what happened before, it was so Crazy:
I woke up in a clínica/hospital bed, and the doctor said that my middle -change sex surgery has been succesful. I could feel tye shape of my body and, effectivelly, I had intermediate features between male and female. i'm a male in real life. After some minutes, I exit the clinic, and outside there was my crush during my teenages years (that girl) waiting for me. When she saw me, she cried like "What happened to you?!" She said she will seek for the surgerian, took my hand and we walked by the boulevard. We saw a black car, so she touch the left-side window, the surgerian opened it, we could see her sunglasses and she asked what happened. My crush/friend asked what did she do to me. The surgerian said i'm an adult and that I can do whatever I want. So, my crush/friend enetered in a panic attack and went running to a fast food restaurant. I went for seeking her. There was a glass labyrinth instead of queue and I found her crying sat down. That's where I became lucid.

 

[Polyethelene]

It sort of sounds like you used her as a proxy for your younger self based on that second to last comment. The first part feels like a pretty straightforward narrative over how people from your past might judge you today or not accept how you've changed. How did you feel about the change during the dream? you seem to have been rather passive up until the point of lucidity.
though, its interesting to note that you still go looking for after she has her panic attack, seemingly with no ill will until lucidity, like you want to calm her down and get her to understand perhaps?

As far as the lucid activities, stop. Though it can be done in a healthy way, that's not what you're doing here. If you hiijack every story your subconscious tries to tell you in order to carry out hedonistic violence, its going to become less vulnerable with you. Lucid dreaming should be approached with the aim of better interacting and communicating with the subconscious, making interactions with it more two-way, not playing as a petty tyrant god.

 

[Zyno000]

Polyethelene makes a really good point in that reply from Monday. Dreams get crazy when you go lucid, but it definitely sounds like you were wrestling with your past religious self, not your actual friend. Don't overthink the violent part too much, it's just your brain processing things