Kissing my ex from a decade ago - EXTREMELY vivid

[Llamllams]

Hey y'all, this dream has been bugging me enough that I sought out this dream forum to get opinions about it.

Some backstory for context: Ten years ago, when I was a teenager, I had a thing with this guy from a neighbouring town. I was SUPER into him, but the day after he became my 'official' boyfriend, he broke up with me because his 'parents said he couldn't have a relationship.' He was friends with my friends, and things were kinda tense for the next year. EXACTLY a year later (to the calendar date), he messaged me again, said something romantic about missing me and wanting to rekindle, and I was over the moon. We talked daily for 7 days, were intimate with each other, and then he ghosted me and started bullying me behind my back to our friends. Already in a very bad spot mentally, I was ENRAGED, I felt so betrayed. After I had a public outburst, he blocked me on everything, which sparked years of unhealthy obsession.

I'm 25 now and haven't really thought about him for the past 4-6 years. I got over it, had new experiences, and am now engaged to someone I love with my whole heart. We've been having some serious relationship problems this year, and while we're mending things and our relationship is getting better again, I've been feeling extremely lonely, betrayed, and displaced/abandoned. I'd like to note that we're polyamorous, so a sense of guilt/cheating isn't relevant here. What may be relevant is the fact that my fiance has been trying to encourage me to find a second partner, but with how badly I've been hurt over my life I've been having a really hard time connecting with and feeling anything towards anyone but them.

Now, onto my dream with my ex. He's shown up in my dreams a few times over the years, and it always stands out. Usually in the dreams, he apologises for what he did and we rekindle, which I've always assumed is my mind trying to self-soothe, or a message about forgiving myself. But lately I've nearly forgotten he existed - he wasn't in my conscious mind AT ALL. The surrounding dream is pretty blurry, I've been playing a lot of World of Warcraft lately so there were a lot of elements from that. We were in some kind of foreign land, trying to save the locals from something. When I saw him, he came close, and it suddenly became highly vivid. He embraced me and kissed me - I could feel his arms on my back, his lips, the texture of his tongue, I could even taste his breath. I was FLOODED with butterflies and feelings of love, and when he pulled away I immediately wanted him to come back. I spent the rest of the dream obsessing over him - thinking about him, talking about him, craving him. One of my other exes - my first boyfriend + first kiss - was also there, but was much more of a background character. My full entire focus was on this other guy.

Think it's something about current feelings linking to old experiences, but I'd like some external input on what it all could mean. I already know that dreams only reflect myself, not him.

 

[PaulKH]

Hi there, fellow dreamer-gamer.

Without understanding your internal emotional progress/setup/justifications/background better, I think most of us will not be able to help. Yet I will try and provide a distinct possibility on what your dreams are attempting to do, even though those dreams are *wanting* you to come to this conclusion on your own. Note that self-found/resonating insights are always more meaningful than those "given" to you by others, which I think is the reason so many dreams are vague in their revelations/warnings/etc. (they want to lead you to the chance of discovering those on your own). And yet, sometimes I realize people need direct communication: possibilities they can latch unto with both hands, so to speak, and apply them to their entire thought-feeling process.

First of all, I hope you understand how conflicting polyamory is, which makes it incredibly complex in the emotional dance successful partners must make (and why it isn't for many people, despite the often-wish it would be, heh). We humans are a blend of physical (elements, chemicals, cells, and bacteria) and something far greater than the sum of those parts, call it spiritual, higher mind or awareness, ancestral continuance, psyche/id, soul, whatever you feel comfortable with (terminology doesn't change the reality of its existence, and for simplicity's sake, I will use the "spiritual" term).

The physical bodies we are merged into (when it's healthy and the brain isn't dysfunctional/damaged by trauma) *crave* the joys of contact in various forms. By itself, the body really doesn't care how it gets this--as you know, this is far more complex than thinking of success in terms of orgasms, because often a combination of connections/feelings can be every bit as gratifying/fulfilling/comforting as a good orgasm (note this is the premise of activities like massages). The body itself has no issues at all being comfortably polyamorous once a safety/fondness requirement has been met (which differs greatly for every person, further adding to the complexities when needing multiple people to satisfy those prerequisites at roughly the same time).

But for long term overall health, our spiritual selves control meaning and *belonging* and the value we get from life experiences (even if those are based in the physical realm). This is also how we interact with the supernatural/divine/dream realm (our spiritual birthright, if we ever properly grow this potential) and how we elevate as a *being* of blended origin (our experimental--if you want to view it this way--blending of spirit and matter, of spiritual growth affecting physical growth and vice versa). Being completely aware and balanced and in control of this is the underpinnings of what has long been termed "enlightenment" (and with good reason).

Unlike our bodies, our *spirits* crave attention/nurturing of the quality that requires a singular focus, of something so keenly personal/intimate that the experience feels (and is) unique. This is how the spirit feeds/grows/thrives, through intense meaning that resonates within you like the clearest bell tone--which no one else can hear in quite the same way. When misguided/mislabeled "romantic" urges yearn to be the focus of someone else's existence, this is a spiritual matter (which is why it can never be satisfied by only physical means). This is also why someone of great spiritual growth/perspective can never truly gift that understanding to anyone else, because the progress is not only unique, it must be individually earned. Heh, there is no mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for the spirit (despite what some religions attempt/preach).

When you were younger, seeking/yearning and impressionable (some would call this "gullible" as if that's a bad thing, but how else is a seeker to be, I ask them, when cynicism is often an auto-strangulation of possibilities?), you had a brush with spiritual, "deep" love, with the need to be focused upon like the central light of the universe--and to gift that in return. And all without you possessing *any* of the tools needed to handle/process this experience... This is partly why it scarred you and why (I think) you still dream about it: one of the greatest motivators of dreams is to show you hints of lessons you have yet to fully learn/absorb (and when you finally manage that, those dreams will go away forever because that need is no longer in your spirit). So you had this experience, had unrealistic expectations about it, and could not learn all the beneficial-practical lessons from it (lessons, you might note, that are the balms/"cures" to scarring--not the dreams themselves, but what they are hinting at, wishing you would learn for yourself in that kind of resonance unique to your experience).

Somewhere along the way, I suspect you made the choice (conscious or otherwise) to shrug off these almost-learned truths and experiment in different directions. Polyamorous, for some, can be a rejecting/suppressing of romantic-spiritual fulfillment (a focusing on the vain and momentary), and perhaps you run that risk. A danger with some "polyamorous" people is they are actually hedonists in disguise, spiritually empty husks of potential but cleverly posing as well-composed people with successful lives. And to the young seeker, they can often be successful at that deception. But the truth is this: the focus you need is not compatible with someone trying to push you into the arms of others as a "solution". I realize the implications might be painful for you to consider, the self-work seeming mountainous looming before you, but I hope that truth and ultimate satisfaction will mean more to you than your fears, will motivate you to seek your truths which build up your unique worth rather than suppress it.

In any case, I wish you the best.

 

[PaulKH]

I wasn't going to report this dream I had last night even though I rose while it was still dark to scribble it down (I have been analyzing and writing them for decades). However, with me reading and thinking about your dream and concerns, I'd like to share a counter-weight, especially given its age context. Also note that I've had at least 4 "narrator-aided" dreams in my life that seem to have extra significance, which is part of my reasoning behind posting it now rather than sitting on it.

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Two late teens, a boy and girl, met in a camp of some kind, reminiscent of a summer camp, with games and activities and of course an air filled with the potential of more meaningful discoveries. I remember the two being drawn together, pared together in a game much like hide and seek. So they ran off into the woods, giggling and holding hands (so they wouldn't accidently get separated, you understand).

The boy has a plan because he'd found a long length of rope that he had slung over his opposite-from-her shoulder. They looked for and found a perfect tree, both tall and with evenly spaced branches leading into those hidden heights of the canopy. So using the looped rope, and with many giggles and small tests of trust, they began helping each other climb that tree, higher and higher, pulling the rope up with them as they went so none could follow.

The game time came and went, they didn't care whether or not they had "won" at that, because they had found a place to comfortably nestle against each other, on a forked pair of sturdy branches at the trunk (up near where the crown of the tree began). They also discovered they had so much in common, being from the same area, and even in their differing views and hobbies they found compatibility, even as their bodies shared physical warmth through the night. Eventually, they grew hungry and agreed it was time to rejoin the others before breakfast time.

"I have something I want to try." stated the boy, holding up a length of the rope he had kept with them, "if you will trust me." The girl looked into into his eyes for a long moment, early twilight seeming to enhance her glow, and she finally nodded. With that allowance, he quickly tied one end of the rope securely around his pants ankles, and then connect her socked ankles to his. Eyes twinkling with mischief to match her amusement, he verified a clear path the the ground, threw the long, untied end down to the ground, took a firm grip on the rope he had fished from around the underside of the branches, and then leaned them both overbalanced in the opposite direction!

They fell the length of their torsos, his banging against the tree and hers against him, but his double-grip on the rope caught them. They were breathing heavy, now hanging upside down by their ankles and he slowly let some of the rope slip through his hands. With a tight hug around his chest, long hair hanging upside down, her face almost covered by her dress hanging upside down, she laughed at the new sensation, of her suspended self and his grinning antics. She giggled again as she blew at the hem trying to get in her mouth, then just bit the edge of it. The boy never even tried to sneak a view of her exposed panties, but kept eye contact as he focused on lowering them at the perfect pace. He came in for a soft kiss just before they reached the ground, made adjustments to land softly on their sides and then untied from each other.

And at this point, a deep male voice, one filled with gentle amusement and fondness as a narrator might use to conclude a love story, said this: "And as they clung together whispering and giggling, they decided then and there they would never part. So they went on to spend every day with each other, as friends and lovers, as partners and parents, until the day they passed away within twenty minutes of each other."

[And then I woke, thought about whether I should even record it or not since I am not prone to sappy romance. Now that I have written it for you to consider, I'm glad I bothered. While this dream is loaded with symbolism, I didn't feel it was directed at me, but for someone else (would not be the first time I was used as a conduit, heh).]