Hello everybody,
This is about a very intense experience I had some years ago... and I still don't really know how to deal with this.
First some backstory about where it all started. (It started way earlier of course but I don't think I should type the entire story of my life here. Even tho' I'd love to do that somehow)
In September 2019 I started my higher education at age 20. After finishing my previous school with very good grades I was confident to take this new step end felt like this would make a big change in my mental health. Because of a lack of good friends, connection, social comfort, general love and affection by being bullied, discriminated against and looked upon as a freak, I was very broken in my mind in complex ways. I believed by going to this new school I had a chance to start again, find better friends and feel more connected because of the mutual interests and passion I really had for the content I was about the dive in. It all started pretty good first...
But pretty soon I already noticed the same self destructive patterns, behavior, insecurities, fears and negative thoughts reappearing. I quickly realized nothing really changed actually... causing my mental health to spiral down really fast. By September 2020 I was known all over the small city I lived in as the crazy messed up drunk dude wasted, lost and unstable. Because I didn't want to drink anymore, I started trying to be sober more and more... but this wasn't really working out. Then it all got worse... I started smoking weed. I started smoking small amounts together with some friends I finally connected with during my sober times. I noticed in the beginning that it was great in a way I was having so much fun. But it took me away from my painful reality as the perfect example of the escape I knew deep down was not good for me. Soon I already knew that the effects where changing the weeks heading up to that moment. I knew it was getting worse... I was becoming more paranoid and anxious and depressed, losing touch with reality more and more every time and my thoughts really couldn't deal with the weed anymore. I just didn't want to know because I really felt so extremely lost... almost too lost to quit smoking is what I thought... also because I didn't think it would make a difference anymore, I thought my life was over and I had given up already.
But Ok, enough of this depressing part... what I want to share with you related to dreaming is what happened next:
I remember going out to a small student party nearby and smoking a bit there... when I went to sleep I was in such a panic attack, my mind couldn't handle anything. It's really hard to explain concretely what was going on exactly. It all felt so complicated. But the most important thing to know is that it was not healthy at all. So, while trying to fall asleep, suddenly I LITERALLY RISE UP AND FLOAT TOWARDS THE CEILING... I know it was not really like that physically, but it didn't feel completely like a dream either...... I remember this so well, I was so scared, confused and my brain was so incapable, nonfunctional in a way causing it all to be extra hard to comprehend for me, even years later, I still don't know what exactly was the logic behind all these weird effects. After being in the air, I remember FALLING DOWN through the floor and experiencing what I only can explain as some sort of HELL... It was an intense pain, but almost only mental pain, but pain without cause or idea.... it was very abstract... there was not a specific thought or reason behind the pain in my experience. It felt like I was just send to hell and had to feel the purest form of mental suffering possible and it was beyond human norms or human comprehension. Even I can not really re-imagine the kind of feeling it was. Physically, I remember feeling so damn heavy and unable to move fast, also I felt like I was kind of melting, burning or rotting away. I also remember trying to crawl to the window and jumping through, hoping it would kill me and maybe end this pain. Slowly after an unknown amount of time it faded away a little bit and I started realizing a bit more clearly that I was just laying in my bed. Then suddenly I reached enough awareness, clarity and consciousness to act and snapped myself out of it really fast, so I woke up very heavily breathing and bathing in sweat. It felt like a hughe relief to notice that my body snapped me out of this dream or hallucination because I felt like I needed this to survive literally at the time. I was so shocked that I sobered up faster than usually because of the adrenaline I guess.
Till this day, I still don't know how to explain this. I don't really believe in God the way it is presented by any religion. But since this experience, I often think about these kind of experiences as the reason people might have formed a description of hell throughout the history of humanity... because it felt pretty damn accurate to me.
This is about a very intense experience I had some years ago... and I still don't really know how to deal with this.
First some backstory about where it all started. (It started way earlier of course but I don't think I should type the entire story of my life here. Even tho' I'd love to do that somehow)
In September 2019 I started my higher education at age 20. After finishing my previous school with very good grades I was confident to take this new step end felt like this would make a big change in my mental health. Because of a lack of good friends, connection, social comfort, general love and affection by being bullied, discriminated against and looked upon as a freak, I was very broken in my mind in complex ways. I believed by going to this new school I had a chance to start again, find better friends and feel more connected because of the mutual interests and passion I really had for the content I was about the dive in. It all started pretty good first...
But pretty soon I already noticed the same self destructive patterns, behavior, insecurities, fears and negative thoughts reappearing. I quickly realized nothing really changed actually... causing my mental health to spiral down really fast. By September 2020 I was known all over the small city I lived in as the crazy messed up drunk dude wasted, lost and unstable. Because I didn't want to drink anymore, I started trying to be sober more and more... but this wasn't really working out. Then it all got worse... I started smoking weed. I started smoking small amounts together with some friends I finally connected with during my sober times. I noticed in the beginning that it was great in a way I was having so much fun. But it took me away from my painful reality as the perfect example of the escape I knew deep down was not good for me. Soon I already knew that the effects where changing the weeks heading up to that moment. I knew it was getting worse... I was becoming more paranoid and anxious and depressed, losing touch with reality more and more every time and my thoughts really couldn't deal with the weed anymore. I just didn't want to know because I really felt so extremely lost... almost too lost to quit smoking is what I thought... also because I didn't think it would make a difference anymore, I thought my life was over and I had given up already.
But Ok, enough of this depressing part... what I want to share with you related to dreaming is what happened next:
I remember going out to a small student party nearby and smoking a bit there... when I went to sleep I was in such a panic attack, my mind couldn't handle anything. It's really hard to explain concretely what was going on exactly. It all felt so complicated. But the most important thing to know is that it was not healthy at all. So, while trying to fall asleep, suddenly I LITERALLY RISE UP AND FLOAT TOWARDS THE CEILING... I know it was not really like that physically, but it didn't feel completely like a dream either...... I remember this so well, I was so scared, confused and my brain was so incapable, nonfunctional in a way causing it all to be extra hard to comprehend for me, even years later, I still don't know what exactly was the logic behind all these weird effects. After being in the air, I remember FALLING DOWN through the floor and experiencing what I only can explain as some sort of HELL... It was an intense pain, but almost only mental pain, but pain without cause or idea.... it was very abstract... there was not a specific thought or reason behind the pain in my experience. It felt like I was just send to hell and had to feel the purest form of mental suffering possible and it was beyond human norms or human comprehension. Even I can not really re-imagine the kind of feeling it was. Physically, I remember feeling so damn heavy and unable to move fast, also I felt like I was kind of melting, burning or rotting away. I also remember trying to crawl to the window and jumping through, hoping it would kill me and maybe end this pain. Slowly after an unknown amount of time it faded away a little bit and I started realizing a bit more clearly that I was just laying in my bed. Then suddenly I reached enough awareness, clarity and consciousness to act and snapped myself out of it really fast, so I woke up very heavily breathing and bathing in sweat. It felt like a hughe relief to notice that my body snapped me out of this dream or hallucination because I felt like I needed this to survive literally at the time. I was so shocked that I sobered up faster than usually because of the adrenaline I guess.
Till this day, I still don't know how to explain this. I don't really believe in God the way it is presented by any religion. But since this experience, I often think about these kind of experiences as the reason people might have formed a description of hell throughout the history of humanity... because it felt pretty damn accurate to me.